What an adventorous day in school! Its simply amazing how unprofessional some ple may be...it is sad that these pathetic ple could only find comfort in talking to others so that they appear to be victimised. Today, the eaxct the same thing happened. Some ple have a misconstrued views of my recent promotion and thre were even some that resisted the hierarachy set up by the organization as they may have thought that it was beneath them to be under my supervision.

I was taken aback, to say the least, at the response of some of these ple...wondering why that despite the recent reminder of the fragility of life as demonstarted in the catasthropic tsunami, there is still so much hatred and anger among ple..even those of the same colour and faith...

I realised that mulling over it too long does not serve me well.  i was hurt too but then nursing myself and feeling sorry would not be right either. So, I took a step back and decided to move on...though I must say it takes tremendous courage to so that...

Why am I subjecting myself...I wonder, to the endless streams of merciless demands by impersonal personnels that are running the system? Because they pay you?!! Is that it?? I have to battle daily internal conflict as to why I have to do all thses things that I do not quite belief in...I am just hoping that I would be able to keep my sanity..It's not like anything that I ever want to do but I was told that I have to do it to sustain myself...for the family...we need it..I wonder if the family needs to see me like this all the time...

There are times when I tried to find stregnth within myself to carry on and that things are not so bad But I realised that I am just lying to myself and after a while, when things are not working out again, the thought of leaving the system is there again...talking to others, I realised momentarily helped but it won't last...I am just simply miserable especially knowing that I cannot spend the time the time with my precious either because I am too bust with work..even when I am at home or I am busy thinking about what are the alternative to leaving this...

God help me...

Yep...its 2005..the year started not too well, I feel as many countries in the region cancelled their new year celebration as a mark of respect for the victims of the tsunamis....it was indeed ironic that a disater of such magnitude should shock the world in the last few days of 2004. It was almost as if mother nature wants us to be reminded of her power...

I "celebrated" the beginning of the year watching CNA, CNN and BBC coverage of the disaster. I could not help but feel a great sense of remorse for them...I offer my prayers and some monetary donations...may those who presihed rest in peace and those who lived find the courage and strength to move on..

It taught me a lesson or two...for one, it made me feel that while it is good to plan, we must not forget to live for the moment..I am guilty of that, I work for the future so that I would be happier in future...this happened so often that I sometimes am guilty of not enjoying my kids and living for the moment...that's what I would resolve in 2005...

Two days...two days are all I have left before I leave the luxury of time and enslave myself to the impersonal life of work and more work...one side of me says...girl you have been in it for 10 years..what could go wrong..the things that go wrong perhaps is doing something tht I don't believe in doing far too long..so much so that my treshold of patience for it has  been dimished  to a near zero...and it is affecting my other aspcts of the life as well....at times, I feel I have lost the capacity to feel happy....even when I am laughing..i fell that I was only pretending to laugh. If only I could be simpler ...

Have been sitting in three meetings the last 2 days...quite a feat I shuould say. listening to crabs and more crabs...the ony things that are new are more new work to be done..it's amazing how they manage to add more and more stuffs without removing any the last 10 years or so..When I reminisce  the good old days..they were really the good old days actually when things were less stressful when I first started work but now, I have become the grumpy not so old woman...beacuse of this profession...

I am not looking forward to work in 2005 as it means heavier responsibilities.... I've just received my long overdue promotion...some ple feel a little sorry for me adding that the management should have given it much sooner..I could not agree more with them but I feel that it would not be politically correct to discuss the issue, least of all in the office...So I smiled and say that I am thankful...whatever that means...

But on the home front, I hope, things would be picking on...

Hi...

I brought my son, Danil to the pool in front of my house today. With a few more days left til the end of the school hols, I thot of making the best of what is left for my children....they were splashing water at each other in the pool. My daughter, now 8, has graduated from merely being able to float to swimming breathwise across the pool ...though slow and rather uncoordinated, I cannot help but feel so proud of her. Just then another caucasian little boy came into the pool. Danil started screaming when he saw the boy. I was confused...Aqi told me that the boy snatched his water ball the other day and refused to give back...since then, he has been terrified of the boy. My poor baby, I thot...but at the same time, I feel like I have failed to teach him about defending himself...I thought the act of self defence that comes naturally...why then was my boy not reacting, I thought? Could I have been so overly protective of him all this time that I failed to let him fend for himself...rudely awakened by this feeling of inadequacy, I decided from then on, to let him have more tumble and fall...perhaps that is what he needs to grow up......?

Iza 

I decided to physically remove myself from the paralysing effect of the feeling today and drive over to mom's place which is located in Teban Garden. Geographically it is located on the west side of Singapore while I reside in the Northern part of Singapore. Being small, has its advantages, thus , the drive to mom actually takes about 20-30minutes, epending on the traffic situation. Dad had just been out of the hospital the day before yesterday...and he seems more cheerful.

Upon arrival, I saw my brother and his children there already tucked in to mom's great meegoreng or fried noodle speciality. I felt hungry at the sight of them ravishing the noodles and decided to join in. THe noodle was good indeed!! It helps to alter my focus slightly.....mom looked happily at us muching and trying to catch up with each other at the same time..such simple joy she has..if only I am capable of experiencing the joy myself, I thought.

The rest of the afternoon is spent talking to dad, mom and brother azman about old times while the children climbed happilt on each other. It was a good break...even if it lasted for a while...until my mobile rang...another of my collogue called to remind me about the Scheme of work and resources that need to be ready by next week. NEXT WEEK?! I thot, tht is virtually imposiible!! I got pissed, needless to say and was quite harsh with her....I conviniently switeched off the phone even b4 she finished talking...GET A LIFE...I mumbled to her after I hung up. But I suppose, that was her life, being a head of department in a school her is no easy feat...I suppose, upon some quiet reflection later, she was only doing her job....even if it means at the expense of other people's happiness...

why then I wonder am I still in this insane culture that is tearing and pulling everyone in many different directions....? MOney..that's why..if only I could fin d an alternative where I could earn without getting all these, I suppose, I would have a better peace of mind....or will I?

 

 

Today,

it hit me hard that the school holidays are going to be over soon.    I got this feeling today when priscilla reminded me that we have an English Department meeting tomorrow...what a drag, I thot..no, actually, I thought more than that, I thought of having to face 40 odd pupils trying to convince tham of the value of education for 40minutes  each time and battling my own sense of despair at the same time in the classrooms. Looking passionate and jolly on the outside but rotten inside...how hypocritical!!!! The last I heard, I would have to take the graduating classes again next year...all 5 of them...suddenly, I feel my neck aching badly and asense of paralysing despair made me lethargic and sleepy again.

At the living room I saw Daniyal and Aqilah, my two children...playing separately. At a time when I should be guiding them and spending more time with them, I'm mulling over work. My poor children..I wonder why I am always feeling this way...despite of my attempts to overcome it. I suppose, deep down inside me, I feel that I've lost the "with itness" as far as the system is concerned...I'm waiting to get out of it..to be a stay at home mother who is at the same time gainfully employed in her own internet based home business....I'm a novice in the area of home business but I suppose, I've got to start somewhere...so here I am...hopefully, soon, I could succeed in this area..preferably, before, I lose my sanity....

Faizah